I Should Have Written This Months Ago

I thought I was past this whole Pussy Grabbing Thing. 

Yup, I don’t like Trump.  I think he’s a disgusting misogynist who clearly has no regard for women whatsoever. And yup, he managed to pull together enough Electoral College Votes to get himself into office.  And yup, I accept that.  I don’t like it. I don’t like him. I think he’s dangerous.  But yes, I accept that this man will become the leader of our country. 

And I was willing to let it go, the Pussy Grabbing Thing.  It was appalling, it shook me when I heard it, it took me a LONG while to put it down once I picked up that thread, and I can hardly conceive that a man who speaks of the women in his life in such derisive terms was subsequently elected to the Presidency, but the media and the voters moved on and so would I.  I would move on and accept this reality.

And then THIS came into my world:

Photo from Mary Numair (cropped)

A new President?  One I don’t like and didn’t vote for?  Fine.  But this?  UNACCEPTABLE.

What I REJECT, what I expect all decent men and women to REJECT LOUDLY AND UN-EQUIVOCALLY, is the idea that words and images don’t matter.  

WORDS MATTER.  IMAGES MATTER. 

Bragging about grabbing a woman “by the pussy” is unacceptable.  MERCHANDISING the “grab 'em by the pussy” concept is so far beyond as to be truly deplorable.  (You don’t like the word “Deplorable?”  Fine.  Try “Reprehensible,” “Dishonorable,” “Disgraceful,” “Intolerable,” or “Sickening.”  Pick your own; I’m good with all of them.)

  

Don’t talk to me about “Locker Room Talk.”  Don’t give me any nonsense about “harmless jokes."  And DO NOT tell me I’m being sensitive.  This message trivializes sexual assault.  This message normalizes something that is already ENTIRELY TOO COMMON.  

This message is NOT HARMLESS.

There is NOTHING harmless about the type of physical harassment that women are subjected to on a DAILY basis.  I have personally been subjected to this kind of “harmless” assault.  EVERY woman I know over the age of 9 has been subjected to some version of assault, most have experienced it NUMEROUS times. 

Every friend of mine.  

Every mother I know.  

Every daughter. 

YOUR DAUGHTER.  If she’s older than 9, SOMEONE has made her feel uncomfortable in some “harmless” way. A schoolyard bully has yanked down her pants or loudly pointed out she was the first in class to wear a bra.  An adult has looked at her too long or in the wrong way.

I have been grasped, groped, fondled, stroked, kissed, and shoved.

Men have grabbed my ass, my thigh, my knee, my breasts, and yes, my privates. Want some highlights?

The Creepiest: A man gently stroked my arm during a professional function – while complimenting my outfit and leering at my chest. 

The Most Blatant: A man once took hold of the fabric of my blouse and yanked it forward to look down my shirt.  This man LITERALLY said OUT LOUD that he was ENTITLED to do that, to see skin that I had chosen not to display. 

The Most Insipid: Male “friends” have touched me inappropriately in social situations. 

The Worst:  The boyfriend of a close friend once grabbed me and stuffed his tongue down my throat for no apparent reason, then walked away once I shoved him off of me, never said a damn word about it. 

And that’s only the PHYSICAL assaults.  Men have propositioned me in all manner of situations and suggested all manner of things I could do for them or they could do “for me.”  As if, apropos of nothing I’ve been given some impossibly lucky opportunity to be manhandled by a random stranger. 

These men did and said these things to me, most of them in BROAD DAYLIGHT.  With the exception of that one disgusting kiss, every single one of these incidents occurred in PUBLIC spaces, bars full of people, on the street or subway, a crowded bus or in a not-at-all-crowded diner or in the middle of a WORK FUNCTION in front of a couple hundred coworkers. 

It’s disgusting.  It’s demeaning.  It’s shameful.  In every form, every time something like this happens, my first thought is WHY?  (What made that man think I was open to that?  Why did he think I would be OK with what he did to me?  What did I do to provoke that comment?)  Is it really any wonder that rape victims are so reluctant to report or that SO MANY WOMEN blame themselves after an attack?

After many of these incidents, I did nothing.  Sometimes it seemed pointless. (Some Rando on the street yelled for me to show him my tits, what are the cops gonna do – issue an APB for Asshole in a White SUV?).  Sometimes it seemed like more trouble than it was worth (Jackass in a bar grabbed my ass.  I could tell the bouncer or my boyfriend / husband, but it’s just going to cause a scene and we were getting ready to leave anyway.  Let’s just go.).  

There are a few incidents where I did nothing.  I did nothing because it was just TOO HARD or too complicated. (I need this job. Or My friend needs that guy and she can make her own decisions.  I don’t want to be The Reason They Broke Up.)  And I Did Nothing.  And to this day I Said Nothing. (And there’s a whole other Shame-Circle for that.)

These men, EVERY SINGLE ONE, felt they were doing absolutely nothing wrong until I took action: to push them away, yell something, make a complaint to HR, a knee to the groin, kick in the ankle or elbow in the chest.  Why?  What is it that makes a man think it’s completely OK to grab a woman, a stranger, uninvited, in a public place, in broad daylight?  Something he would surely never do to another man. Certainly many factors are at play in such a decision.  But it’s so prevalent, so ubiquitous, there must be common ground between so many men that would normalize this behavior.

I have never experienced a traumatic sexual assault or rape.  My experiences have been humiliating, demeaning, but have left me relatively unscathed. 

Yet these words.  THESE images. 

Photo from Mary Numair (cropped)

As Michelle Obama so simply put it, they shook me to my core.  Months later, I am shaken when I am reminded of them. 

If this is MY response, with my relatively benign history of being publicly assaulted by men in my life…

IMAGINE THE RESPONSE of those women who are victims of more serious assaults. 

What do these words and these images evoke from them?

Yes, Words Matter.  Images Matter.  Call Spencer’s Gifts Today. 1-800-762-0419. Ensure they stop selling this particular T-Shirt.  Tell them you believe it’s inappropriate for a corporate venture to profit from the normalization of sexual assault.  Tell them you do not think that sexual assault is funny or that sexual assault victims are a joke. 

* * * * * *

When I called 1-800-762-0419, I pressed 8 to speak with Marketing.  After talking to the woman who answered, providing my name and phone number (I do not expect a return call), I asked if she could share with me the name of their supplier or others involved in the selection and distribution and sale of these particular shirts.  She could not, but forwarded me to the Public Relations department, where I was sent to the voice mail of one Kevin Mahoney. 

I left a detailed message for Mr. Mahoney.  I asked him to return my call, and told him I’d like to provide my feedback to their supplier, vendor, manufacturer, and the designer of this shirt, if only he could kindly provide me with their names.  I haven’t heard back from him, but I think I may call again tomorrow and ask for him directly.  

It felt good to let my voice be heard.  

I have stayed silent far too long.